The kids started preschool this week. The freedom the morning now brings is exhilarating and terrifying. I feel the shoulds piling up in my brain. In the three hours they are at school I should conquer my world – organize the house, grocery shop, meal prep, do laundry, go to yoga, study, meditate – and pick them up feeling accomplished, rested, and energized.
I headed to Safeway after dropping them off this morning and passed by Mission Oaks. I pass by Mission Oaks several times a week but today felt different. It has been a year and a week since I was at Mission Oaks. Life is completely different. But the pressure that swims in the back of my head remains. I have refined my coping strategies. I have built a support network that I force myself to use. I have made significant changes. But the pressure remains.
In the lonely quiet moments there is a question mark that taunts me. What now? Why? What am I doing? Does it matter? The kids are at school and loving it. I have a routine again. I have the support I need to accomplish whatever I want. And I believe I am pursing what I want. I practice yoga regularly and am training to teach hot yoga. I am involved at my synagogue and am studying for my b’nai mitzvah. I sing in the choir. I serve on the board of Post:ballet. I diligently maintain relationships with my friends. I have visited my family several times already this year. I have a weekly date night with my husband. But when I stop and look and really admit it, the questions dance around a hole I can’t explain.
My children are amazing, curious, friendly, loving individuals. My husband is a rock star who feels connected with and supported by me. My relationships with friends and family are strong and meaningful. I have worked tirelessly and diligently because I set these goals a year ago. I decided what was important to me and what I needed to find meaning in life. I looked externally and internally, and yet I’m still nagged by this feeling.
And overall I wonder – now what?